The following is the feedback received for my submission “A Con Begins” by A. W. Slack. This was a short story written for the Forest & Fawn’s Vampires and Werewolves Writing Challenge in October 2025. To learn more about this writing challenge, please click here.
Feedback from Round 1 of Judging:
I absolutely adore Aurelia’s voice. The way she observes humans aging while her own existence has been “polished until no sharp edges remain” captures centuries of weariness so efficiently. Her longing for the days when she was the Plague of Bern, when darkness belonged to shadows and the Alps trembled at her approach, creates this wonderful tension between who she was and who she’s become in a sanitized modern world. The fondue empire as cover for a vampire family is absolutely delightful. La Recette Secrète with its “secret ingredient” made me smile, especially when Marty scoffs that she’s probably never been in a kitchen.
Marty’s introduction through the Helsing Codex is clever. The cursed book requiring blood to reveal vampire histories gives him concrete preparation for the con while showing the cost of his lineage. I love that the Van Helsings and Harkers became conmen after poverty forced them to adapt. That evolution from hunters to grifters adds dimension to the vampire-hunter dynamic.
The café scene with Camille establishes Aurelia’s world beautifully, though I wonder if it could be tightened slightly. The conversation about Camille’s new identity and the gallery opening gives us context, but some of those details might not be essential to this particular story. I might consider condensing that section by a paragraph or two. That would give you space to extend the spa encounter where the real tension lives!
When Marty approaches Aurelia at the spa, the cat and mouse game begins in earnest. His calculated moves, waiting for the attendant to leave, offering just enough information to seem trustworthy, it all shows his skill. The moment when Aurelia holds his hand and notices the paper cut made my pulse quicken. Her nostrils flaring as she releases him tells us she knows exactly what he is.
Both characters recognize each other for what they are by the end, which is thrilling, but the story stops right as their game is beginning. I’m curious what one move in their chess match might look like. What happens at that dinner Marty invited her to? Does Aurelia make a countermove that shows him she’s not the easy mark he assumed?
Aurelia’s perspective at the end, where she recognizes Marty’s Van Helsing blood by its “faintly smoky, with a hint of stale lilac” smell, is perfect. Her realization that she’s not the prey but the predator, that thrill coursing through her for the first time in ages, brings her arc full circle. She came to the spa seeking something to make her feel alive, and Marty delivered, just not in the way he intended.
The alternating perspectives work well for showing both sides of the setup. We understand Aurelia’s centuries of boredom and Marty’s calculated approach, which makes their mutual recognition more satisfying. I wonder if you could trim some of the backstory exposition in Marty’s section about the Helsing Codex and Swiss history to make room for an additional scene at the end. The information about Aurelia’s past and the fondue empire is fascinating, but some of it could be revealed through action and dialogue rather than Marty reading from the book.
Your writing is polished and atmospheric throughout. Lines like “Immortality without a thrill is just… waiting” and “Men who pose a threat don’t drink detox tea” show real craft. The world you’ve built where vampires run businesses and old hunter families have become conmen feels fresh while respecting the lore. These two characters have such potential for an intricate dance of deception, and I’d love to see just one round of it play out within this story’s frame!
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